There's No Set Formula

I'm in a bit of a mood today. Consider yourself warned!

Mr. Knitting and I were chatting with a new acquaintance the other day and, when discovering we were engaged, she inquired as to how long we'd been dating. When we replied six and a half years, she replied, "Yeah, I guess that's long enough." I had to hold myself back from saying, "Thank you for your approval," in a snide tone.

To be fair, the woman making the comment didn't mean it rudely. I think she was just trying to make small talk. However, this exchange got me thinking. I just don't have patience for comments that imply there's a right or wrong way to go about relationships and marriage.

Here's a few examples of what I mean:

Length of Relationship

I firmly do not believe that a couple needs to be together for a certain length of time before getting married. Mr. Knitting and I happen to have been together for a significant amount of time and that's what has worked for us.

In contrast, my parents got engaged before even going on a date. I thought this was the most hilarious and bizarre thing ever when I first heard this. They met while winter camping (which is hilarious because my mom is not the winter camping type), and became friends. A few months later my mom proposed to my dad and he accepted. When he told his parents he was getting married his mom asked (very nicely) if they had met his fiancee (they hadn't!). Two months later they got married, and 31 years later they have one of the strongest and happiest marriages I know. They are my absolute proof that you don't need to have a 10 year relationship with someone before marrying them. Sometimes you just know.

Living Together

I know people who think it is absolutely essential to live with your SO before marriage. They think it's a huge risk to marry someone without knowing what it's like to live with that person. In contrast, many other people think the opposite is true.

Mr. Knitting and I will have lived together for almost 3 years by the time of our wedding and that has worked really well for us and our situation. That being said, in hindsight, I know I could have easily married him before living with him. There wasn't really much of a change in our relationship aside from the fact that it was convenient that our stuff was in the same place and I learned that if he likes a song he plays it over and over and over again until he's sick of it. I'm being flippant, but living together just felt so natural and like we'd always been doing it.

Proposing

I also know some people think it's the man's job to propose and if he doesn't then he's a failure of a man and has deprived you of an essential life experience. Okay, that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea...

My mom proposed to my dad and I don't think she's ever regretted it. I don't think my dad has felt less manly for not proposing. I didn't exactly propose to Mr. Knitting, but I did initiate us getting married in December 2010. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I don't feel deprived of a necessary life experience and am quite offended by comments implying that I should.

Again, that's just us. I fully recognize that for many couples it is important for the man to propose and I absolutely think that's a valid opinion, despite the fact that that's not what worked for Mr. Knitting and I.

These are all valid opinions, but that's all they are, opinions. They are not definitive truths. Each of these things work for certain people and they don't work for others. I am perfectly happy to have a discussion about people's opinions and what works for them in their relationship, but I find it really frustrating when people talk about their opinions like fact (i.e. the man must propose, you must live together before marriage...etc). Doing so is irritating and it also denigrates another person's experience. I would never ever say or imply to someone that their experience is less valid than mine because it's not what I want. Different things work for different people, end of story.

Stepping off my soapbox now...

What "definitive truths" about relationships aren't so definitive to you?